I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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