If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
