Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
