I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
