So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
