Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
