i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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