I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
