it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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