Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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