I look better un-naked...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
