now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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