yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
