I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why do cheetos always look like penises
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
