just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
