Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
