i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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