Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
