I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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