I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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