1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think I am morally bankrupt
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
