I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I wish there were birth control emojis
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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