i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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