he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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