you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
