I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
