nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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