matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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