The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
