I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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