Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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