I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Drake has all the answers
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
