Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
