I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
