video games are the ultimate cock blocker
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
