i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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