The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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