Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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