jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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