It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
