Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
