i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
