Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
