Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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