remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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