hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
