Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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