when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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