Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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