I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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