and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
